we’re gonna need more than just a bigger boat…

“How do I look?”

I could have used this opportunity to tell her “Just like my mother” but I didn’t know whether this was a good time to poke fun at my wife. Oh, what the hell, why not? Carpe diem. Seize the day. I gave her a wide smile.

“Just like my mother.”

You know those Visa “Priceless” commercials? Airfare to Madagascar: $1400. Seven night stay at a resort on Nosy Be island: $5500. Scuba diving trip on a nearby coral reef: $300. My wife’s face after I say she looks like my mother in her bikini: Priceless.

“Asshole.”

“Oh, come on, honey. You look fantastic, really hot. No one could pull off that suit like you, not even me.”

So I’m a joker, what can I say? That’s why she married me. I always put a smile on her face. And I wasn’t kidding just there, she really did look beautiful. She was standing on the edge of the boat that had carried us out into the ocean from Nosy Be, glimmering. I could sense the sun’s envy.

Who scuba dives on their honeymoon? Honestly. Yeah, I know, it was what she wanted, and I wasn’t about to tell her no. Marriage is a compromise. She was gung-ho about the whole thing while I, on the other hand, was a trifle nervous. Let’s just say I was one of the many that was scared shitless of the ocean by the movie Jaws. Damn Steven Spielberg. Anyway, as I was donning the provided wetsuit, the scuba “guide” was a telling the rest of the group some simple guidelines about diving. I say the rest of the group because I was too busy putting myself in Roy Scheider’s shoes to pay anything remotely close to attention. Our guide was a local, a tall black man by the name of Jake. Before I knew that, though, I had imagined his name to be something more like Kimbo or Mogamba, or something like that. But I guess my stereotyping side didn’t win this round. I glanced slightly over the edge of the boat at the water; it was deep. We were supposed to be on a coral reef, but I didn’t see anything that would indicate so. Maybe I was a little paranoid, but I couldn’t let the wife know that. However, my trembling legs were making that difficult. I was prepared to blame the shaking on all the coffee I had consumed that morning if she happened to notice.

My fears aside, this was a very special moment for me. It was the first time, really, that Jessica and I were alone as a married couple away from any friends or family. It almost felt like we had just met; it was a new beginning. I don’t want to sound sappy, but it was true. I was a new man.

Splash!

Oh shit, here we go. The first of the group had just dived in with Jake. I watched them disappear completely in the blue abyss; they were dead. It was now our turn. Trying to delay the inevitable as much as possible, I double-checked my wet suit and my air tank. Everything seemed fine, giving me no real reason not to jump in to my doom. Damn you, Spielberg.

“Come on David. Let’s go. We’re gonna get left behind if we wait any longer.”

My eyes were fixed on the now calm blue surface of the ocean. The wife’s words entered my left ear and got lost somewhere on the way to the brain.

“David! What’s wrong?”

The words stopped at some sleazy gas station and asked for directions. The pump operator told the words about a shortcut back onto the main road. The words were at first hesitant to listen to Dale, the gas station grease monkey that clearly hadn’t showered since the 70s, but finally decided to take his advice. After a few moments, they did indeed find themselves back on a road. They could only hope that it somehow led directly to the brain.

“David! David! For the love of god, answer me!”

Celebration! The words rejoiced. They had reached their destination. My gaze on the water was relinquished. I turned to my wife and laughed. Her face was one of confusion.

“Jess, I’m fine. I was just messin’ with you. Come on, let’s go wild.”

She nervously laughed along with me for a second, but I could tell she didn’t quite know what had just happened. And then, the most amazing thing occurred. All of my fear of the ocean vanished; I was fine. Hell! I was better than fine. I couldn’t wait to make contact with the blue. I turned to Jessica and nodded. She held out her hand and looked at me with wanting eyes. That was another thing I had promised her – we would hold hands when we jumped in. So be it.

Hands joined, we went for it.

Splash!

As it happened, we entered a foreign world. It was magnificent. Blues, reds, greens – the coral reef, which I had doubted earlier, was now presenting itself right if front of me. There were schools of fish everywhere, half of which, I had never seen before. It was like a living rainbow, underwater of course. The bulk of the group was just a little ahead of us, so we slowly swam towards them. Below us, gliding on top of the dark infinity, there was a large sea turtle. It was easily as big as my torso. We drew closer to the group, as did the turtle. I felt like it was following us, its greenish-grey shell remaining directly below me for some time. As I looked up, Jake was giving some sort of hand signal to the group. Unfortunately, during scuba practice the day before, I completely zoned out during the sign-language session. I was too busy thinking about Robert Shaw getting torn to pieces by the giant great white. Damn it! I was back on that movie again. What the hell was wrong with me?

My wife tapped me on the shoulder. I looked at her to see that she was holding out the underwater camera we had brought along. She wanted me to get someone to take a picture of us. So I swam over to the nearest person, a young woman not much older than my kid sister. I got her attention and showed her the camera. She got the picture, and then swam over to take the picture. Jessica and I treaded around until we were side-by-side and ready to say cheese, or at least think about saying cheese. It was hard to speak underwater. We smiled and the young woman snapped the camera. This was going to make for a one hell of a photo album.

Just out of habit, I looked down below me expecting to the see the turtle anticipating my next move. However, the old hard-shelled lug wasn’t there. All I could see was the black void that went on for who knows how far. I wondered where he went. My wife was tapping me on the shoulder again. Before I could see what she wanted. My gaze was distracted, something was different. The schools of fish that were gently swimming along were now dashing frantically in all directions. There was no order to their motion. It was a prison riot, complete chaos. The water was getting cloudy and I was having trouble seeing the entire group.

The 12-foot tiger shark came from the right at light-speed. For a heartbeat, I though it was just chasing after the fleeing fish. But I was wrong. The monster speared right into Jake, clamping his body in its razor jaws. The once majestic blue was now changing its hue. It was an elaborate crimson symphony. I couldn’t see Jake anymore. The massive shark was circling and thrashing violently. Red clouds were moving in. Our group had scattered, just like the fish.

After breaking free from the rapture of Jake’s gruesome end, I looked around for Jessica. Where had she gone? I found her slightly above me trying to get my attention. What happened next, I have trouble remembering. There was a lot of noise, mostly muffled by the water. If I hadn’t known any better, I would have said that I was swimming in a sea of cranberry juice. Everything else was hazy. When I hit the surface, I was blinded by the sun. The barely audible noise now became very intelligible human screams. Once I got my bearings straight, I grabbed my wife’s hand and swam like hell to the boat.

Over the next few minutes, the boat rapidly filled up with mortified passengers. I couldn’t tell if people were screaming, crying, or laughing. I sat next to Jessica and wrapped her in a towel, trying to give some comfort. Just then, someone caught my eye. It was the young woman who had taken the picture, sobbing uncontrollably. She was white as Christmas. And I could tell that she, as well as everyone else, had gotten their presents early – life. Few words were spoken by anyone, but those that were once again got lost in my head. Not even Dale could help them.

The water was calming, but there was still that ominous, red cloud sitting silently on the surface not too far away. Voices remained drowned out by my thoughts. I must say I was quite glad to be alive, but I couldn’t help but feel the irony of this whole situation. I had my fears and doubts about the ocean, but I put them aside for my wife. And then, sure enough, shark attack! I wanted to say “I told you so”, but seeing as my wife never knew I was scared of the ocean, I really didn’t know who to say it to.

“Some honeymoon, David, huh?”

Had my wife just said something… semi-sarcastic? I couldn’t believe it, she would never be as insensitive as me. But I knew the only way to make her happy right now was to use some of my odd sense of humor.

“You know, I never knew that animals could be racist. Did you?”

Stop.

Anyone with any kind of moral structure and good sense would have condemned me for saying that, but my wife was different. I’m not saying she was an immoral person, not at all. She was just someone who understood me and my dark humor. She never laughed as hard or smiled as wide as when I was joking around.

Resume.

As I had thought, she let out a chuckle at my comment. No matter how horrible the circumstances were, I was determined to make her happy. Luckily, none of the others heard her laugh. As far as everyone else was concerned, this was no time for laughter. And they were right for the most part; I mean, a man had died for Christ’s sake. At that moment, I remembered something.

“Honey, why were you trying to get my attention back there?”

She wiped the tears of joy out of her eyes and paused for a second.

“Oh, well, I wanted you to get a picture of the sea turtle before he swam away. He was swimming around above us.”

“Oh. But I didn’t have the camera.”

As I said this, the pale young woman walked over to me and held out her hand. In it was the underwater camera. I looked at her with astonishment. She wasn’t crying anymore, but instead had a satisfied face.

“I got a picture of the turtle.”

I didn’t respond back to her in words, it was more of a silent gratitude. As she walked away, I handed the camera to Jessica and saw that she was just as surprised as I was. Then, I miscalculated and saw another opportunity to throw in one of my tasteless jokes.

“It’s too bad she didn’t get a picture of Jake and his shark.”

My wife glared at me with daggers.

“No? Okay. You’re right, you’re right, that was one hundred percent inappropriate. I take it back.”

Timidly laughing, I leaned over and gave her a comforting hug.

Just married. It’s a shame we couldn’t drag a bunch of tin cans behind the boat.